Growing Pains

I recently saw myself on video – painful!!!

One of the best things about being in my 50’s, (and yes, there’s more than one good thing!) is that my old self-conscious ways are falling further and further behind me. I work hard to be myself and to spontaneously express thoughts and feelings, in personal and business settings. Letting go of the old habit of multiple “pre-plays” and “re-plays” has been a relief. As I become increasingly comfortable with the woman I am, the judgment, actual or imagined, of others has lost its power and sting.

OK, so that’s what I thought until I found myself under bright lights and in front of a very imposing video camera. Near panic set in and flashbacks from freshman year speech class left all my good work dashed upon the old, killer rocks of self-doubt and insecurity. Relatively new skills of controlled breathing and stepping outside myself in a given moment failed me. I struggled through a short and awkward interview with heart pounding and sweat running down my back.

Now this was not live TV in front of millions, the stakes were not very high, and I could have as many takes as I needed, but for me it was torture. Later as I viewed the resulting 20 second clip, my downcast eyes and tight-lipped, strained smile (not a good look!) almost made me laugh – almost!

This short story doesn’t end in victory or with an inspiring quote, but with a promise to myself to ‘do better next time’; to once again, not care so much about my outsides, that what’s inside gets lost and washed out to sea. The journey continues – growth is good, even when it hurts!



55 and Change blogger, Laura, is loving life! She embraces the freedom that this age and stage allows. She is married to Paul, a very loving, supportive (and patient!) man and they have a large, close-knit family, most of whom live nearby. She is a daughter, a sister and aunt, a mother of two wonderful children and grandmother of two adorable little sweethearts. She loves to work hard in a business about which she is very passionate. Blogging is a pursuit that stretches her out her comfort zone and satisfies a long neglected creative urge.

(2) Comments

  • Amy
    May 24, 2015 at 9:42 pm

    Great writing- I feel your pain! Growth is good, even the painful kind.

  • Helen
    June 21, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    I could totally relate. I like to dance like nobody’s watching. I might never dance if I had to think I was being videoed! That lens changes everything, doesn’t it?

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